not the same.

'Everything' is a big word.

Wednesday, April 30, 20085:27 PM

Its just as if all the light just went out in me.

what has become of me?

I never thought that there would be a day when I would lose myself into nothingness.
I never thought that I would become so weak and cry so easily.
Today, I came home. I sat down. And I just thought, of everything.
And let a film of tears blind me as I didnt bother to control them anymore.
I just let them flow.
I cried,
for everything.
cos of everything.

I dont know what to do anymore.

All the catastrophies just seem to fall on me.
Fell seriously sick yesterday,and today. I dont know about tomorrow but currently, I aint feeling any better.
Stupid brain, stupid body, why did you have to let me suffer like that? AT THIS TIME.
any idea what toture and torment it was to sit through endless hours of papers that actually can ruin your life!? At those times, I just wanted to raise up my hand and cry, telling the invigilator that I dont want to do the paper anymore.
What the fuck am I fighting for, I ask myself.
I dont even know.
For the fucking sake of keeping my pride,for the stupid sake of my parents and people who keep pushing me.
I'm flunking ALL my papers.
Listen, ALL my papers.
I know, cos I'm the one who did them.

I feel sick to the stomach whenever I picture the thought of teachers giving out the papers.
I just wanted to die.

Everything, my life, is a total piece of big horrible mess.
At this sentence, tears start to well up again. F***.

What the hell is wrong with me?

You're strong, I'm weary.
I'm holding on.
But I feel like giving in.
I cant take as much as you can.

Everyone says:
"where's the cheerful vivian?"
"You seem to be like so serious everytime now."

"hey, I dont feel like there's any light there anymore."
"you just have to remain that way no matter what, treat darkness as light n hope!! use them to overcome ur mistakes!! the only way after all."

you told me:
"I will always be here for you."
"After everything,I will give you a big hug that will last forever."

but, everything is a very big word. And when at times I feel like dying I just wanted you to be here, often, I could only imagine your presence.

I dont think I can hang on much longer.
Right now, I feel extinguished of my flame.

I dont have the will to go on anymore.
What am I to do?
What!?
I cant pull on anymore.
I feel lost, as if the walls of my world are crashing.
As if, there's really no way to save the situations of my life.

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
You are all the strength that I will ever need.
Will you save me.?

Why can't everything just be alright again.
I look through my blog posts, and realise, wow, I've actually been miserable for the past month?
How did I actually survive?

thanks, to all those who really cared.
and no thanks, to those who dont.

and thank you.

-dying.

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Screw me

Monday, April 28, 20086:18 PM

Fear.

"C'mon! Be positive!"

"yeah, I'm positive that I'll do badly."

Sigh. Today is Stare-lah's exam.

It is SO hard. I hope I can score well. Crap. So screwed.

The hopes of getting good results for my stronger subjects are dashed. & I'm gonna do even worse for my lousier subjects. Great.

Plus, I feel sick. Okay, I AM sick. Down with a flu, sore throat..the works. If I'm not careful, I might just develop a fever. Crap why do all these have to happen during MYE. This is SO not lucky.

Floating around like a soap bubble, things seemed so unreal.

I find that I lack courage. To do the things that I cant do. I'm not a strong woman. Argh.

Dying from the frustration.

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Emptyness.

Thursday, April 24, 20085:17 PM

Everyday just gets worse.

It seems that the nightmares are never-ending.

Exams are coming.

Inching here day by day.

I fear, and my stomach turns into a tight knott.

People are doing so well.

And I'm doing so freaking lousy.

Kill me, man.

It seems that I'm sad everyday.

People ask and say

"ehh,cheer up larh!"

"ayioh why so emo?!"

"everything will be fine larh."

"dont lidat larh."

"ehh my life worse than you can!"

"smile larh."(pulls my face up)

If only they knew what's going on.

How I feel.

It seemed like i lost the whole world. All the problems banged against me like a strong gust of wind, so hard that i couldn't find any strength to carry on living.

I need you here so bad.

Sigh. But..

Yeah.

I'm happy you've done well. Seeing that smile on your face today, I'm glad that you're smiling at last.

But sad that I never made you smile like that. I think.

I'm glad that you're happy.

Have I become so numb to all the bad stuff happening? Have I also become, more prone to tears?

I'm cracking apart.

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April sucks.

Friday, April 18, 20087:59 PM

Teardrops on my guitar

But without the guitar,

Instead,on Emily's shoulder.

Oh Pete, the teardrops just fell,and fell, as I stared into space.

I lay on Emily's shoulder,and she stayed still even though my tears just keep falling,

and wetting her shirt.

Thanks. Lol.

Curious stares of those in class didnt affect me, as I just burried my head between my legs, and see wet spots appear on the floor. All of us then ended up sitting at the back of the classroom, having small talks.

All the comforts that I've been telling myself seems delusional. Ready to disappear anytime.

I need the real truth, the real comfort,then only I'll settle in peace. I can't go on like that. I cant seem to concentrate with anything I do. And yipee, the exams are inching its deathly hands towards us. How nice.

Today, bibiana made us write a composition on how we've changed as an individual.

I wrote that I became more mature and 'hard'. HA-HA.

Also, I'm more prone to tears. And sadness, which seem to just engulf me more and more.

During recess,me,nicole,qiuying were CRAPPING about 'What If Nicole lands in Hospital?'

HAHA SHHHH.. Great question to ponder about aye?

Oh well.

I've been having continuous bad weeks. And I know that things are just going to get worse.

I cant breathe or think at the moment.

I wanna turn things around.

where were you,when I needed you so bad?

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Fear + Frustration = Can't breathe

Thursday, April 17, 20087:32 PM

My heart thumps fast,and I can't breathe.

Just feel like sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

I loathe my days now.

and Hey, I'm suppose to love my days.

I dont know what's happening to me.

The fear and frustration just come,

and the nightmares that I'm afraid of, the troubles, just becomes increasingly real.

I dont know what will happen.

What might come.

I just feel that my whole world's upside down.

That, I dont have a reason anymore.

But contradictingly, I know I have to continue to fight.

It's tiring, It really is.

At many times, I feel like huddling myself into a ball,

like a porcupine,
and block out all the troubles,all the pain,everything.

However, unlike the porcupine,

I do not have thorns and pricks to protect me.

Talked on the phone with Janice today, as we remember and tell each other, the memories of the past, which was walking away from us, step by step. And we have to close the gap, to untrace the footsteps. We wondered and tried to remember what our lives were like, without burdens, ever so carefree. We frowned. We couldnt feel that anymore.

Have to stay strong.

Have to control my stupid horrendous temper which is harming those around me.

Have to pull my grades,by tons, If I dont wanna get hacked.

Have to.. Do so much.

I fear that I cant.

I used to be undaunted by everything.

But now, I'm uncertain.

I'm scared. So very.

My body and heart shiver from the cold.

I miss you, and I cannot tell you.

That, do you have any idea, is so toturing and angering?!

Solitude makes me feel a deaf pain that not even the good things can soothe.

Then,I ask myself why I cannot seem to find the peace.

My heart jumps at the horrible thought everytime, and its so hard to close my eyes at night, when the darkness engulf me, and the real fear and sadness cannot be betrayed in that darkness.

I feel lost. And weak, and vulnerable.

If only I can silence the doubts and troubles that crowd my mind.

If only, I can again lose myself in the heaven of your eyes,

Safe.

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Bless our souls. LOL.

Saturday, April 12, 20088:18 PM

Sweet Love you showered on me.

making me feel so sweet inside, and so blessed.

Well, yesterday was Games Day. And..It pretty sucked.

My class lost in the badminton events, on both sides.

And it RAINED so unluckily, hence the outdoor games had to be stopped.

Which lead to everyone watching the only two indoor games going on--badminton and floorball.

I was nervous as I held on to the racquet, feeling that all eyes were on me. Didnt serve well,but bless my soul,I won. haha. However we only won 2 games,and needed 3 games to pass on. 2/2 then tycoed their way through and clinched the champion. Oh well. Councillors also had a hard time selling the drinks as some teacher's wierd and ridiculous idea to place all valuables into big bags when the students arent even LEAVIN them caused many to be without their wallets, hence,the greater difficulty to sell the H2Os.

And so it goes. After that, we ate at Macdonalds and hmm things started to go awry as the groups splitted up to different destinations. Aye.

Then, the day begins to turn around and be quite a good one after all.

End of the annual games day. I CANT believe that its just over like that. I can remicise the days when last year, we were so excited about this day, and fussing over it--practicin, planning the stratagies and all. This year, its like POOF! Aye, I hope we do better in the other events.

______xxx_____-

you shower me with love and care.

Always and always.

No matter rain or shine, you're always here to hold me.

I am thankful to the angels, for giving me you, for placing you in my life, blessing me.

I am so touched, by the things you do for me,by the words you say, by the heart that dedicates to me. ty.

I shall always be right here for you too. forever. Embrace our hearts.

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Strong Woman

Thursday, April 10, 20084:41 PM

Alcanza Las Atura

hold my hand and soar together. Soar to the skies.

Hmm investiture;s over on Wed, and we practised like mad for it.
On Mon and Tues, we stayed in school till 7 plus just to get everything right.
As excitement builds up, spirits were high.

Emotions flowed freely,as the sec 4s were having the lingering sad feeling of not wanting to leave,and yet glad and satisfied that through the years,they have done their purpose, and made their accomplishment. Not too sad as they walk away.

Sec 3s step up to their new posts, ready for the new challenges that come their way. the world's on their shoulders now,and they're feeling the strain.

Sec 2s, are just innocent angels who just risen up to the confirmed post of being a councillor. Learn to lead,and learn the ropes fast--that's what we have to do. And having so many months of being looked down upon just cos we're sec 2s, we finally got our badges and our status hushed everyone who did look down on us before.

Investiture went very grand and formal,as we changed into our blazers,heels and stockings. We did what we had to do, the proceedures, and ta-da, we're councillors.

At the podium, Rafeek,the president of the 8th student council board, said a touching and impactful speech. gonna put a few quotes here. He gave us a copy of his speech each. I will keep it with me forever,and use it to guide me through my journey.

"This is where I have found my purpose, this is where I have found courage."

"Yet at other times,I encounter dark moments whrereby I am overwhelmed by the prospect of not being good enough,when I believe I have not fufilled my responsibilities as student,leader and son and every time the possibility of failure becomes increasingly real,at these times, I do falter. But then it hits me that in walking those dark tunnels in my journey I would have to light the candle myself. How else,I ask myself,can my people follow when I as their leader cannot see the final objective, the light at the other end."

"A new dawn has brokem,and a new generation of leaders would rise to this great calling and take on the heavy responsibilities and expectations as leaders."

"You carry within you the seeds of our hope.Spread your wings and soar."

"And in times of darkness,just remember this,you would descend like eagles,be swift as the wind and you would stand proud as champions."

"I wish you sunshine,fair winds and my sweet goodbye. May you have the courage to change things that you can, may you have the patience for things you cant, and may you have the wisdom to know the difference."

"For if I have helped the world to grow
In widsom and in grace
Then I feel that I have won
And I have filled my place.
And so I asked your guidance,God
That I have done my part.
For character and confidence
And happiness of heart."

"Alcanza las atura. Ever with the best."

The words are so meaningful can!
haha.
I shall take on as much as I could.
Soar to the skies.
And make 08 a great year. I shall (: Believe in myself.

And make good, in no matter What I do.

Hmm. However the fact that nobody cared that I made it into the council board brings my mood down. Oh heck, since when does anyone in my family ever care. Lols.

Tomorrow is Games Day. Finally,a good end to the week. No lessons.
Finally the end of another dreadful week which I must go through.
Sigh. Badminton. I'm so dead.

Ha-ha. Ba-dum-dum.

i'm with you, mua dear, no matter what happens,I'll always he right HERE."

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the happiness that you give me

Monday, April 07, 20088:02 PM

And I shall be safe & protected

under your protective arms.

Today is an extremely long and tedious day, and so it will be for the next few days,

few weeks

few months?

Lol. Anyway, I have to learn how to cope.

The rain is gone,and the sun is shinning. The clouds have rolled away.

We have each other with each other,and that's what matters.

Always.

Did judging for the cheer competition today.

Pretty cool, I would say. I could also say that for once,as a sec 2,we get to make the decisions and call the shots. Aye.

Investiture's on Wednesday. Hmm.

And games day is on friday.

I have to stay strong, like stay very strong. For all the strong hurricanes that will come my way.

And I shall,for I know that you're here with me always and always.

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4th April 08

Friday, April 04, 20088:27 PM

I feel like screaming out loud.

for once.

Life sucks.

It really does.

I close my eyes, and allow the nightmares to drive through me.

I feel weak, I feel vulnerable.

But I have to stay the strong woman people think I am.

However,nowadays, I think people have begun to see my vulnerable side.

To know that I do cry.

To feel my mood swings.

I'm sorry,people, if I vented my frustration on you.

I didnt mean to.

Its just that,

I feel alone. And helpless.

I feel, like drowning.

the wrongs cant be undone, the hurt cant be saved. Nothing could erase the scars I left burried in you.

I just wanna slit myself.

I want everything to be okay again.

I know you'll never see all this, for you swore not to come to my blog again.

But I hold on to the hope that you will.

Hope?

It seems just a substance,just a pigment of a sudden pleasure.

It'll drop down into nothingness,leaving us in an abyss of disappointment and intense fear.

Everytime I think of it, a paroxysm of pain will shoot through me,making me wrench at the roots of my hair,and to collaspe into a heap,tears streaming down my face.

Please,let everything be alright again.

Let my future be succinct.

I cant thank you enough for everything you've done for me.

I can never repay you.

I just wanna cry once again.

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