not the same.

'Everything' is a big word.

Wednesday, April 30, 20085:27 PM

Its just as if all the light just went out in me.

what has become of me?

I never thought that there would be a day when I would lose myself into nothingness.
I never thought that I would become so weak and cry so easily.
Today, I came home. I sat down. And I just thought, of everything.
And let a film of tears blind me as I didnt bother to control them anymore.
I just let them flow.
I cried,
for everything.
cos of everything.

I dont know what to do anymore.

All the catastrophies just seem to fall on me.
Fell seriously sick yesterday,and today. I dont know about tomorrow but currently, I aint feeling any better.
Stupid brain, stupid body, why did you have to let me suffer like that? AT THIS TIME.
any idea what toture and torment it was to sit through endless hours of papers that actually can ruin your life!? At those times, I just wanted to raise up my hand and cry, telling the invigilator that I dont want to do the paper anymore.
What the fuck am I fighting for, I ask myself.
I dont even know.
For the fucking sake of keeping my pride,for the stupid sake of my parents and people who keep pushing me.
I'm flunking ALL my papers.
Listen, ALL my papers.
I know, cos I'm the one who did them.

I feel sick to the stomach whenever I picture the thought of teachers giving out the papers.
I just wanted to die.

Everything, my life, is a total piece of big horrible mess.
At this sentence, tears start to well up again. F***.

What the hell is wrong with me?

You're strong, I'm weary.
I'm holding on.
But I feel like giving in.
I cant take as much as you can.

Everyone says:
"where's the cheerful vivian?"
"You seem to be like so serious everytime now."

"hey, I dont feel like there's any light there anymore."
"you just have to remain that way no matter what, treat darkness as light n hope!! use them to overcome ur mistakes!! the only way after all."

you told me:
"I will always be here for you."
"After everything,I will give you a big hug that will last forever."

but, everything is a very big word. And when at times I feel like dying I just wanted you to be here, often, I could only imagine your presence.

I dont think I can hang on much longer.
Right now, I feel extinguished of my flame.

I dont have the will to go on anymore.
What am I to do?
What!?
I cant pull on anymore.
I feel lost, as if the walls of my world are crashing.
As if, there's really no way to save the situations of my life.

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
You are all the strength that I will ever need.
Will you save me.?

Why can't everything just be alright again.
I look through my blog posts, and realise, wow, I've actually been miserable for the past month?
How did I actually survive?

thanks, to all those who really cared.
and no thanks, to those who dont.

and thank you.

-dying.

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