not the same.

Fear + Frustration = Can't breathe

Thursday, April 17, 20087:32 PM

My heart thumps fast,and I can't breathe.

Just feel like sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

I loathe my days now.

and Hey, I'm suppose to love my days.

I dont know what's happening to me.

The fear and frustration just come,

and the nightmares that I'm afraid of, the troubles, just becomes increasingly real.

I dont know what will happen.

What might come.

I just feel that my whole world's upside down.

That, I dont have a reason anymore.

But contradictingly, I know I have to continue to fight.

It's tiring, It really is.

At many times, I feel like huddling myself into a ball,

like a porcupine,
and block out all the troubles,all the pain,everything.

However, unlike the porcupine,

I do not have thorns and pricks to protect me.

Talked on the phone with Janice today, as we remember and tell each other, the memories of the past, which was walking away from us, step by step. And we have to close the gap, to untrace the footsteps. We wondered and tried to remember what our lives were like, without burdens, ever so carefree. We frowned. We couldnt feel that anymore.

Have to stay strong.

Have to control my stupid horrendous temper which is harming those around me.

Have to pull my grades,by tons, If I dont wanna get hacked.

Have to.. Do so much.

I fear that I cant.

I used to be undaunted by everything.

But now, I'm uncertain.

I'm scared. So very.

My body and heart shiver from the cold.

I miss you, and I cannot tell you.

That, do you have any idea, is so toturing and angering?!

Solitude makes me feel a deaf pain that not even the good things can soothe.

Then,I ask myself why I cannot seem to find the peace.

My heart jumps at the horrible thought everytime, and its so hard to close my eyes at night, when the darkness engulf me, and the real fear and sadness cannot be betrayed in that darkness.

I feel lost. And weak, and vulnerable.

If only I can silence the doubts and troubles that crowd my mind.

If only, I can again lose myself in the heaven of your eyes,

Safe.

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