but I'm so sick of crying, that my tears dried up.

Went to ECP today. Apparently, its the ant's birthday. [ ZS] Ant, may you grow tall and strong, and may you fly with your dreams.

And today, wasnt fun. Hardly any fun at all. Oh well. I dont know why too.

Partially, my parents runined the day. SIGH.

Most of the times, I hate them, I have to admit. For all the hurt they have caused me emotionally, for how they wrecked me, literally.

I hope the next time we have a gathering, it'll be more successful. aye aye(:

random short post. Nothing much to say.

i think of the sweet mem'ries,and wondered if we're ever gonna have them again. that's when I wanted to give way and cry, for myself, for my pathetic-ness,for everything.

lets hope that things will be better soon. Very soon.

Even if its just a lil while. I'm contended.

Haha. NAH. xiaomei, I dont wanna be a songwriter for I cant read notes for peanuts. Hopefully,there'll be someone there to write the songs for me, and I just SING. XD seems hell imposible. Oh well. Haha! I wanna be a singer and a journalist/writer. xD

And Sally, nah, I dont think you know what I'm refering to aye. tis okay. (: dont get so agitated. Relax.

And guys thanks fer cheering me on in the x-country! Y'all did super-well too! I was just lucky, to get the last gold XD Have ta improve next year aye! But this time's not bad, like what zhihan said, its a DAMN GOLD MEDAL! (: aww gee peeps I wont cry or wail anymore. I'll tryta stay strong.

Ran,ran and ran. X-country was fun. Kindaf.

Xunbin, I dont HAVE the zhihan owned video LOL.

I flunked. I super flunked.

And instantly, I feel bloody useless. Seeing you do so well, i suddenly feel that I'm not matched to be anyone who means anything to you. Maybe I should just disappear from the surface of this Earth.

Today, Qiuying and I talked about Suicide. We explored the different methods to die. Tried to find the way which was less painful. The once emotional topic then became hilarious when chunni and hannah came in.

"is jumping down a building painful? will you die? what if you dont die?"

"Yes its an offence, so if you wanna commit suicide, you have to ensure that you WILL die. And you cannot jump down a building! Wait you squash some innocent person walking by and cause another person to die!"

"then..what if i let a car bang me to death?"

"NO! cannot! what if the driver of the car also dies!? Then you'll be harming others! That's unfair! Then what if, that car stop,and the other cars behind also crash into that car!? then more people will die!!"

"turn on gas?"

"it'll harm your family members!"

And so the list goes on and on and on.

Crap. We both wanna die. It sounds crazy, but yeah.

Life's too tiring. Its so hard to hang on to that edge of the cliff, where you feel that you have a chance to live, and yet just feel more and more hard winds slamming against you, causing you to fall.

I'm once again alone. And yeah, I'm so dreading school tomorrow.

Why is heaven doing this to me? WHY, is everything wrong. why am I intellectually deprived?

why am I such an asshole. Why am I so stupid.

I scream out loud and let the voice of my sorrow drown in the wind,@ the reservoir.

I wanna cry, but I think I've run out of tears. I just keep silent.

I realise, that fairies, guardian angels, or people dont stay forever. there'll be one day, when they'll fly away, sick and tired of helping,of pulling people up, and move on to happier subjects of their life. that's when I start to cry.

people,stop asking questions that only make tears brim up in my eyes.

I'm gonna be a journalist AND singer. XD
that's it. x) Ahahaha!
Write stories, sing.
Keep dreaming,girl!

Today, I woke up, feeling empty,and sad.
As if all the life is sucked out in me.
Wandered aimlessly around the house.

Then went down with the peeps to play bball.
More like,venting of frustration.
It rained, the teardrops of heaven pelting heavily onto us.
We did not waver, but continue shooting the balls into the baskets.
I was like,venting everything I had contained in me recklessly.
Trying to tire myself out,
Trying,to distract myself. From thinking horrible thoughts. Cos I knew that if I had sat at home, I would have started wilting from the pain.

Yeah, I made myself tired at last. Energy level goes DOWNNN.
Haha, and,the peeps really made my day today. They made me smile at their dumb jokes and actions, and its always easy to form a mask when I'm with them. I could smile, for just a little while. Oh yeah, not to mention the calories i've lost today, excersing,(I hope.)

I love my pri sch friends. And I dont ever wanna drift apart from them. I realise that I need them. These few days, I've been so alone, and I kept asking & going to play with them, reviving the smiles of the past, the roots of my youth. They obliged, the peeps, they weather through the rain and sun with me, and dont ever go. Sometimes,when in sec sch life, when I felt that everyone has left me; when I felt despondent, I always have them to go to, for them to comfort me, vent my frustration and laugh with me. And tears would stop. I would be distracted, even if it means running away from everything for a while.
Really realise how important y'guys are to me. thanks,for everything.

But contradictingly, I felt that some of us changed, some for the better, most, for the worst.
It just dosent feel the same anymore. I dont know what's the problem.
Pardon the uncouth way of putting it,but, do those in the abso-good-lutely schools FEEL SO high and mighty that they want to forget us, that they look down on us and detest being with us!?
Do they really feel that way? That, I wonder. And yearn to search for the answer. And yet, I dont want to be hurt if they really think that way.
What does this friendships mean to them? Our closest friends, have drifted far away. And I feel very sad for that. Very very sad, for in the past, things were so different.

I guess, things will never be the same again, really.
No matter what matter I'm refering to,
nothing will ever be the same again.
And that cruel fact stabs me hard in the bleeding heart that I'm having trouble nursing.

Not only pri sch peeps. Sec school too.
2/3, what has become of you? I really dont know.
Why have you guys changed so much, some of you!? That I hardly recongnise you anymore.
Why, are friendships breaking apart, and people turning into monsters, into judgemental people. why!? Teachers, instructors, have all commented that we're not united as one. 1/3 was!
What happened to 2/3? Why has everyone changed so much?
I tried, a few of us really tried, to pull the class together once again through so many things. But does it work!? Does any bloody person realise and appreciates what we're doing afterall!?
Its hard, it really is. I'm on point on giving up, but i wont, for I want to strengthen our bond, bring us as one again, before we're seperated once and for all. But for some, they only changed for the better. (: That's sweet to know. And good for everyone. (:

2/3 is like, a class full of super nice and great peeps who somehow goes wrong when they're mixed together. Haha.

Why cant things just be happy.

For all the many burning and hurting questions in my heart, some of which I even did not type out, I just wanna SCREAM ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. In furstration. sadness, disappointment, everything.

I'm trying to block out all negative thoughts. trying to stay strong. trying to mask.
Like I said, I dont care if my flame goes off sometimes. I dont care anymore.

it hurts to think that somehow, you seem to dont bother to care anymore.

ARGH. F__

Co-operation is on a high demand. Please,people.
SIGH.
No man is an island.

the pages of my life turns, and the petals of the rose that represent my life drops slowly. Everytime I'm hurt, a petal falls.
I wonder how long it takes to have only one empty stalk left.

Pain, is something, I guess, that I have to live with everyday.
I dont care anymore. It doesnt matter anymore.
And what is my problem!?
I'm so scared of losing everyone who means so much to me.
especially you. I'm so scared, of losing what I have. I'm so scared, of facing my failures.
I'm such an arse.

I'm thankful to all those who cared for me. im really very thankful. touched by the sincerity and effort t make me smile xD sec sch,or peps. thanks,guys. y'all ROCK my world.

thank you.

tmro's X-country. Gd'luck, everyone.
I dont think I can do well.
Haha.

the flame went off today.

Haha I suddenly am blogging quite often,aye,people? That's cos these days, I feel lonely, and I find blogging and typing out my thoughts here a sanctuary,where I can just write everything out.

And shite. My computer is failing me. Crap.

Today,we had a Nanjing briefing for the presentation. The powerpoint slides flashed. Suddenly,I felt that I was in Nanjing again. Back there where there was so much craziness,friendship, miracles,fun and laughter,where everyone was carefree and seen never before! (: The memories just wrench me back into the past. Everyone was like saying : omg i miss the times..etc etc. Looking at the photos at home,our journey flashed into my minds. I feel better.

I treasure those memries, and am determined to make some more wonderful ones. That is my goal. To fufill the wants and dreams of my heart.

We actually had CHOIR today. Crap. I kindaf feel that choir is falling apart. Our standard is...

Sigh. Dont wanna talk about it. One thing---we really have to buck up if we wanna do well. Competition's in two months. SYF's next year. People are commenting that the standard is really dropping and we're all going off-key. Looking at the quavers and notes on the music sheet. I had a sudden urge to tear it up. Today, in choir,we actually 'went back to the past'. We learned the songs AGAIN. It was horrible. As if we've never learnt it in our life. I'm surprised that Miss Debbie Tjiong didnt puke and vomit blood. Even though I'm sure she wants to.

People are not taking choir sessions seriously. LOOK at the number of people who turn up every session. People who SKIP the lessons for play---watch out.

We have to build ourselves up,choir. this is really bad.

Hmm. Oral was crappish today too. Teachers came up with a system of having everyone to sit in the Auditorium and numbers called in threes. It was already 9.30 + when its my turn? Smithy Methyias was pretty joval about things. Didnt really feel nervous. But the results were crap. haha. kindaf. But he was full of praise and smiles and was "Thank you. you're one of the best so far. You really deserve to wear that tie and badge."

Why,thank you. -.-

People ask me why I'm so sad nwdays.

I cant give them an answer. ><

Today after choir, went to throw stones in the reservoir. Haha. Looking at the neverending seams of water, I daze and just stare at the water. And thought about how pathetic I was.

And today, I realise that my judgement of character was so SLOW. I should have known--the mean people and the nice people. I realise,too,that I'm not the only one feeling alone, feeling sad. Its just that the others mask their emotions well. They seem shallow on the outside, cracking jokes and irritatin people, but deep inside is actually a wellspring of emotions and a sad or frustrated or lonely chapter of their life. I have to learn a point from them--to stay strong.

to mask my emotions well,and try to bring smiles to the people around me, not misery. that is what I have to learn.

Have to learn how to keep my emotions bottled up. And control myself. I've known how to not expect too much. I've learn to appreciate. So whatever it is,I'll just keep a little light torched up in a corner of me and know that there is a lil glimmer of hope in every corner, within every chapter of my life. I dont care if I get disappointments anymore. I'm bloody used to it. I dont care,if sometimes,the flame goes off.

For now, I'll just live.