not the same.

Just another sucky day.

Monday, June 30, 20088:12 PM

One of those days.

Today was Crap. everyone had full-dressed rehersal. the SUPERintendent came, and went. But thank god we only needed to do one round of rehersal. Everyone's really tired, and I dont know why, I'm especially tired today. Crap. My legs are aching, and currently, I feel sick, tired, cold, and having the lack of determination to move on.

Gosh, I suck at emceeing. Screw me. WHY am I lacking FEELING in my sentences, no matter how hard I try? Crapshitexz.

Tmro, I bet, is another sucky day. I can feel it in my bones already.

its one of those day in which i'm feeling so lousy and sick, and all i wish is for you to hug me tight and tell me everything is okay.

wishful thinking, girl.

OC, OC. SIGH.

hmm nothing much today.

Sometimes, I wonder, if my friends treasure me as much as I treasure them? I dont think so, from the way I was treated today.

Screw me. Everytime I wanna stand up, I get pushed to the ground again.

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On Impulse.

Sunday, June 29, 20082:10 PM

No matter what it takes.

I'm not done with trying. Push it to the limit.

Crush out the dreams of the butterfly. Pin your dreams, on me.

HMMM just feel like blogging. So here I am!
The weekend just FLEW past like that, and tmro's a Monday again, a dreadful start to a dreadful week hawhaw!
Its also the Full Dress Rehersal for OC cos the SUPREindentent is coming to check up on us. And I'll be lugging so many things tmro cos I have to bring the council costume AND the choir costume. Thank god my mum's driving me tmro.

I'm kindaf stressed up.
Studies is Crap. My ANKLE hurts like crap.
Everything is just...whooooo, stressed up.
But I wont give up.
cos im not done trying.

Today,I woke up and was thinking what a loser I am.
I thought: I have not done my best for anything and cant seem to do everything right. I'm so weak, and not strong at all.
Then,someone told me: If you're trying your best, its enough. You've not let yourself down.

I have to do good in everything that I do. I have to succeed---but how?
I've got to treasure the time, treasure everything ---and everyone that's before me.

I MUST stay strong, for myself, for others, for those who're constantly by my side. the friendships,love and all. I am considered blessed. Its just that I dont realise it, I guess.

By the way, Mother Earth is dying, if all the people didnt realise. We've got to SAVE her while we can! xD haha. Cos we have no FATHER EARTH! Save the environment :D (laughs)

LOL I hope the crew still remembers that we have a SCRIPT to finish AND a whole drama competition to win!
I've been nagging at poor alex for so long that now,everytime he talks to me, he'll know exactly what i'm about to say and go "oh shit". Kindaf feel BAD for rushing him for the script, but there's no choice. Poor alex.

Appreciate what you have, vivian. gosh.

its too late, to apologise.
i guess,i'll just have to try. its been so long. and yet..

i just love you. i hope you know that.

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Brain Strain ;

Saturday, June 28, 20085:43 PM

troubles.

happy birthday.

Today's a SAT, but it dosent FEEL like one. I'm not prepared for Sunday, not prepared for monday, not prepared for everything. Suckish.

Had council activity today,which was tired, worthwhile, but tiring. We cleaned and decorated the entire SAC just for the OC, since its gonna be the holding room for the GoH on the day. We painted, cleaned, scrubbed, shifted, got our hands stained with wood paint, turpuntine, glue and paint..etc etc. I didnt go for choir. AHHH.

Oh well.

1. I'm doing emceeing AND performing for the choir in OC.

2. I'm still tired, and I have trouble memorising the script.

3. I'm having monetary problems.

4. I'm having emotional problems.

5. I hate homework. I have little time.

6. I'm fat and need to lose weight.

OC is now taking us on the heaviest toll ever. we've sung and practiced so many times that we dont have the feeling and heart to do it anymore. However, peseverence is a must. Musnt give up no matter what. Stress Stress Stress. Suzhou competition is coming in three weeks.

We are NOT prepared. I'm worried.

I find that elaine is actually, a very strong woman.

I need court shoes :X

that's all for now,folks.

wishing you were here again. things seem to be so different now. everytime i think of the past, and compare it to now, I'll feel like crying.

happy birthday.

i'm a failure. leave me alone.

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never felt, so alone.

Wednesday, June 25, 200810:59 PM

The ups and downs of life.

to greet all with a smile, when its pain that you feel inside. But block it off your mind. that's called, numbing.

OC trainings have been taking a real toll on everyone, be it UG or Perf Arts. All of us are panicky, stressed up, tired, but know that we have to do it. To do our best. We're even having practices every single day. that can drive us mad enough. Be it under the sweltering sun for hours, blowing insturments, singing, emcee-ing..etc.
Its only the start of the new term and we're given this burst of events, hustle and bustle, and neverending tasks. Its starting to weaken us, but we know that we have to stay strong. The mood in class during lessons is LOW, 'cos apparently everyone except ridhwan is tired, all their energy absorbed. Rid is, well, alien, I guess, with super powers. Ahaha.

Tis only the first few days of school. Here is what happened to me.

1) got my seat changed by nor, which was frustrating. cos i HATE sitting in the front row. I miss my seat.
2) Got to become the emcee for the OC.
3) Presented about the NJ trip. (went on the stage to humiliate myself :X)
4) got myself very tired. My brain size shrank to that of an onion.
5) stayed back in school everyday. duh. haha.
6) Got involved with whole class-go-against-stella-sit-outside-classroom-to-crap incident.
7) Am deprived of cash.

8) shit I cant remember everything that I did suddenly cos its late now and I'm sleepy. Anyway, alot happened to be this few days.

I AM TIRED.
Passione for choir. let the voices soar. Let us be good.
Suzhou, here we come.

Face challenges with a brave front, a brave middle, and a brave back. :/

TAG REPLIES.

Junwang, yes, i promised :D didnt bluff you. I'll do it. zzt, I linked you alrdy aye. haha! ZHIHAN school is NOT fun! But glad u enjoyed urself. haha been busy, hence the lagging update. u x-country leh. not even involved in OC. HAHA. Allan, sch, like i said, sux. Xiaomei, u saw me? lol okayy. NICOLE. I STILL DONT LIKE SCHOOL. :X SIGH. haha maybe a LIL.

you'll never know how much effort it takes to resist and to control my emotions.

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movies,scenes,imagination,envy and dreams.

Tuesday, June 17, 20085:36 PM

Those are only Dreams.

ambitions, hopes, wants, the bigger of those are just dreams.

Dreams that might never ever come true.

there werent any hope at all, is there.

Keep dreaming,viv.

Had choir tday. Did not know how we were like. Horrible is just an understatement. Comm is trying their best to upgrade our performance. Why are we just so..stuck?

Can't believe we sounded SO fab in C'est La vie. I really really missed the times wen we're preparing for the concert. Its like, I enjoy myself singing those songs. I was happy singing those songs.

Now, its a different story altogether.

I'm not even confident of the Suzhou competition.

Official opening is getting the whole school on tenterhooks everyday, which explains the large amount of rehersals. I hope it comes quick.

I miss the past. In the past, everything was good. Everything in my life was all I could wish for. Now, instead of it being it better like its supposed to be, like I hoped, it just became worse.

I've lost almost everything.

And everything is going downhill.

However, that smile is still on my face and I'm still living.

That's what you call a strong facade.

But right deep inside, I wish for a shoulder to lean on, I wish to cry loud, cry the bloody tears outta me, those that were kept inside and held on everytime.

I'm running out of time, skills, sleep, food, money,fun, brains, strength, love.

Keep holding on, Viv.

Did I mention that I'm dreading to go back to school and I absolutely hate it?

I dont feel recharged at all. I'm feeling even more lethargic than ever.

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Racing against goddamned time.

Monday, June 16, 20084:12 PM

Heels over Head.

Those who missed me blogging say AYE.

Haha being a retard here, I know I havent been blogging these days. You could say I was tied up? Aye, for the past few days, at least. But these days are strong and precious mem'ries in the future, and are worth anything. :)

Had chalet, which was good bondin with the peeps, but I have to say, the ammenities sucked. Oh well! At least we had fun! We knew the whole of sentosa, crapped, played, walked. lotsa fun. I am super lazy to go into the details. In the day we beached, watered, luged, chairlifted, bbqed, played. we used like ALL of our energy. ;D At night, we carded, were deprived of sleep, and had an interesting night. ahaha. Morning, was lethargic, but pulled ourselves together, a hilarious and undelirious sight, waited so long for 7-11 to open, chased peacocks, and did lotsa other stuff. I have to say, we really bonded. both 1st and 2nd day. Enjoyed the warmth. Short chalet, but :D y'all rock. =) Buds whom we're so close to now, whom shall be torn apart when next year starts. I wanna CRY thinking about it. <3>

Nicole and Hannah, or any others who want the pics, my com is crashing. tell you what, I'll put pics into the thumbdrive and pass'em to y'all real soon. Gosh. Sorry. );

Then had outing with the PEEPS! :D To ECP! and we cycled 14km, from ECP all the way to Changi! where we saw airplanes,and the beautiful sunset. What's more, we rode on DOuble bikes!:D Cheryl and I had super fun cycling together and singing like crazy girls. :D All of us had lotsa fun. We bonded, missed each other like mad. We stayed till night, and sat on the sand, playin, talkin, reminicisin. PEPS-PEEPS ROCK too. :D Beautiful mem'ries, ever lasting friendships, songs of fun and laughter, shall continue forever and never be forgotten.

What life it is before we came to this hideous world of sec sch life.

Then had outing with the NJ peeps! now THAT, is one unforgettable day. I love y'all too. :D Its not I dunwanna digress, is I CANNOT digress about this day. OH WELL.

Sweet Secrets shall never be unfolded. :) y'all rock.

Through all this, and all the late-coming-homes, getting scoldings and insults from parents, I still find it worth. =)

I cant believe school is going to start.

I think I'm so Screwed. What have I been doing!? This new term is starting, and I dont feel recharged at all. I feel deteriorated, and shall hate going back to school. Hate everything. My life is screwed, full of crap, and a failure. At least, that's what I think I'm going to be when I return to the 'good'ol' school life.

I think, I no longer have confidence to sing anymore.

Oh well. Let things flow.

imy, but i cant say anything. i shyed away, cos im too afraid.

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your voice was soundtrack of my summer.

Monday, June 09, 20085:24 PM

You'll always be my thunder.

Oh yeah, suddenly felt like updating on an incident which happened quite a couple of days ago.

It was after choir camp.
Went to JE to eat.

After that,when we stepped out of JE, it was raining.
Heavily.

There was me, angela,qiuyuan and andrew.

Qiuyuan and I both didnt have umbrellas.

Andrew gave us his umbrella, and we accepted it, only after he said that he had shelter all the way home.

the girls crossed the overhead bridge, while andrew waited at the busstop not across the overhead bridge.
We thought he was waiting for the bus.

THEN, we actually saw him walk out of the bus stop, and continuing to walk.
In the heavy rain, towards dunno where.

SUPER GUILTY we were, qiuyuan, with herself being ill already, grabbed the umbrella and dashed across the road to chase after andrew.
She was frantic, and there were many on-going cars, preventing her from crossing the road. the floor was slippery, but she peservered. Andrew was already kindaf out of sight.
At last, qiuyuan crossed the road. She ran as fast as she could.

So surprised Andrew was, they laughed, both of them wet.

Andrew then brought qiuyuan back to the bus stop, which was already so far away, both of them sharing the umbrella. It was still raining heavily.

When they came back, we were like asking andrew why he did that. He just shrugged.
AND we were then pushing the umbrella to each other.

In the end, we managed to pursuade him to take the umbrella, with his comment : Next time, dont run after me with the umbrella.

;) we got on the bus,
then we were wondering what we were gonna do without the umbrella.
We were talking for a while, then halfway the journey,guess what happened.
THE RAIN STOPPED.
And qiuyuan said "God's too touched by the friendship (tong2 xue2 ai4) that we have, and stopped the rain."

Sweet right?! :)

Oh well.
***************

Suzhou competition rehersal was today, and i realised that we were quite..bad?
Due to the lack of volume, we had to spend alot of energy on blasting and focusing, as well as get the notes right, making it very very tiring.

I hope we'll do well.

Stress. Pressure. Even though its the hols.
They seem to fly, the hols, the time.

I dont like life now.

I'm willing to die FOR you.
but no, I'm not willing to die WITH you.
'cos, if I'm with you,
I wont let you die. I wont.

I'm a broken woman.

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precious;

Saturday, June 07, 20089:50 PM

I shudder at the thought.

Her frail body lying there, her chest moving up and down heavily, heaving, trying all the best to grasp all the air she could. Sounds of the machines beeping every few secconds, monitoring the situation. Tubes and long strands of plastic materials hang from her IV, attached to her hands, chest. Needles stick out of her skin. Her body weak, ready to collaspe anytime. Those related hurt, seeing her in this state. Their hearts ache. All this, happened, so suddenly, the pain, the fear,the tears. Nobody thought that this would happen.

My aunt/godmum went into hospital today. WHY. at THIS time.
____________________________________________

"Sean Kingston is a fat black ball who sings about girls" --Michael.
Today, went to JE libary to meet the Crew for the drama competition.
Wow, 2/5 is fab.
Only 1 person turned up. Good job, Michael.
Brainstormed like CRAP. Couldnt think of anything in the first place but came up with ideas in the end. :D
Poor alex -- script writer. He's THE man behind the scenes.
Nugget and I were crapping, and throwing in stuff here and there fo form ideas, making alex have an heart attack.

It rained all day. So gloomy, so sad.

Please be okay, baby,sy.
Please. I'd do anything to have you safe and sound. You're my everything.

Pray to god.
Please, listen to my prayers. why is everyone meetin with illnesses?

I need cash. Crap :X

Choir, I hope we do well.
Suzhou people, push it to the limit.

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Laugh like crap at Miss Swan

Friday, June 06, 200810:59 PM

Music upon the black and white keys.

People go youtube, watch Miss Swan! Its freakin hilarious!

Drama competition is..coming? Hope that we'll do well.

We're kindaf forced to win, for the sake of our pride.

C'mon team, we can do this.

the cost of misery is at an all-time high.

I keep it hidden. Close to the surface, inside. its wantin to burst. But I hold on tight.

I'm learning to fall.

I can hardly breathe.

Went bonkers with NUGGET, angela and emily tday! Whoo!

I LOVE NUGGET! <3>

we have so much together.

Had choir tday, gosh. Debbie tjong is one hard lady. I forgot since when we had such a serious drive-in practice. I realise we've been slacking, and this kindaf practice usually happens everytime.

I wonder what Mr Low's reaction will be like when we comes back for a visit.

Argh.

He'll be..disappointed.

We all miss him. And I hope he dosent come on the day in which im not in spore. AHH.

Why do my parents have to take me to m'sia mann.

goddammit.

Had council outing on thurs too! Had GM, then went to WCP.

Played the shit outta ourselves. Sand, screams, jumps, dives, runs.

Everything. We were oh-so-dirty but had fun.

Oh well. Looking forward to the trip in Nov.

So when I'm going down dont worry about me. Dont try this at home.

Pretend you dont see.

Gosh, we're so cold nowdays.

Have to be warm again.

Idk what's going on, what's the empty feeling.

I want learn piano!

imgaine if I were able to tackle those white and black ivories, to make beautiful music.

that wonderful thought spurrs me on.

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camp-WHORE ;D

Tuesday, June 03, 20084:33 PM

Warmth.

Just came back from choir camp 2D1N.
Well, it was alright. The comm did alot to organise this event.
Kindaf fun, but I guess not fun to the extent.
Well,we really got to mix with the sec 1s and know them well.

BOUNCY CHAIRS ROCKED.
I enjoyed getting WET and dirty.
haha. That's the whole fun of camp,aint it?

We got involved in SLIME and water and fun.

I love us singing together as one big family, and hopping and dancing and jumping, crazed ; As we link our arms together and sang our hearts out, not for anything, but for ourselves. Looking at the video that the comm made on the day itself, comprising of all the activities, i cant help but feel touched and warm. my love for the choir has come back.

I love us,choir. We live to sing, one big family.
Never apart. Work hard, play hard. Its the sanctuary where my songs can flow into, where my troubles will be pushed away for the moment. the sanctuary where people care.

So warm, the songs, so full of love.
link arm to arm,and soar above.

I miss the seniors. HOYA nugget and the rest. They came back, played with us,overnighted with us, and even staged a performance for us on campfire night. We had 'choir's next top model' and talent night. Allegro(my team) screwed up (i think) at the talent night, but did well and won first in next top model due to Xinyuan's absolute wacky-ness, bravery and retardedness.

Well,the guys who were the models, including xinyuan, all had boobs except one. JAMES AND MAHADIR HAVE SUPER BIG ONES. :D LOL.

Xinyuan squished packets of chilli sauce into his boobs, which were getting increasingly big and droopy by the minute. he proudly announced to the crowd that its the chilli that makes him HOT, threw the packets at the audience, and said "wanna see more? call this number." as he rolled up his shorts to reveal a number.

HAHA. Talent night, we did 'Miss Swan'. "i tell you efffwething.."
before that, we were supposed to go out for dinner.
guess what. we ordered MCdelivery, which cost a BOMB.
Yeah! and the food came freakin slow.
Some other groups had KFC, Canadian pizza...etcetc.
mainly 'cos we didnt have time to prepare for the performances. Aye.

Oh well. Sleeping time was crap.
From music room and drama room, we had to move to classrooms.
Thanks to a 'save electricity' campaign that's going on in goddamn commonwealth.
Ahaha. But its alright all the same. Comm didnt sleep the whole night, patrolling everywhere with their flashlights.
We talked crapped and hardly slept. That explains the eyebags and the droopy moments the next morning. Woo!
Girls are disciplined,okay.
GUYS were the one who went to the extent.
they played polka..wandered around the school...etc.

Most of the games were rather fun. :)
Being an OGL is.. fun too!

And ex-president of council Rafeek said that I came out from my shell when he saw me dripping wet and leadin the team after bouncy chairs. He told me to continue that way, to open, to soar. :D

Soar? I dont know.
Speaking of council.
I would be going to malaysia tmro IF THE TRIP AINT CANCELLED.
SIGH.
Thinking of that sends a big wave of sadness down me.

it was a big smiling face marked on the calendar on the 4th june. I happen to glance at the calendar today. Letting a sigh escape, I took a dark blue pen and scribbled the smiley face away, dry,sad. and knowing that nothing can be done anymore.

Suzhou, will it be a success?
with the minimal amount of people going?
I hope so.
Afterall, from the practice the other time, we didnt sound too bad!
And, conductor said that 'cos the suzhou group consist of alot of sec 3s, the volume is there.
Oh well.

And those who are going to chalet,
I 110 percent assure you that its gonna be fun.
I finally found the formula to making a chalet fun.
phew!
ahaha! :D we'll have tons of fun,trust me mann.

Random announcement: I AM BROKE. xD
I NEED SMILES.
I NEED LOVE.
I NEED FUN.

broken dreams,take everything.
love please be with me.

I'm tired of pretendin that i'm fine when im not.

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