not the same.

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out.

Capture it. Remember it.

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255052 (: .

VIVIAN chankerling
Turning 16. 14 March 94. commonwealthsec 4/3. Singing remains to be the best thing to do in life. Oreoz rocks on like noone else.

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;i'm mad

Tuesday, October 28, 20087:28 PM

never. ever.

hsm3 is quite a beautiful show. Lots of fairytales that loads would wish for.

Council was alright. Quite excited about the up-coming events.

Choir sucked. Sops couldnt reach those high notes.
And I felt that i deproved.
like crap.
WE COULDNT BE IN THIS SHAPE FOR SYF.
wtf.
I was very pissed with myself. Couldnt reach those high notes today. Was trying to screech.
The tonsils were burning in my bloody throat and i wanted to kick myself.

i just kept going down. i used to be a 'special talent', or so do the seniors say. what am i now. some crap.

Ahh, screw me.

Camp EVO is tomorrow. And i havent packed. Not looking forward to it. Dunno.

Hmm. Have been thinking a lot today. Perhaps crying a little.

I hate the feeling of losing.
I can't exaggarate anymore than this.

I really hate it.
The feeling of loss.
But fate just takes it away from you so mercilessly.
I have to fight for it to stay. All those that mean so much to me.

it's tiring.

Bye people. wont be blogging for a short while.

back to the top

; in a daze.

Monday, October 27, 200812:57 PM

she said that she wanted to get high; he took her to the tallest hill in town.

she said that she wanted to stay up all night and drink; he gave her a 12 pack of caffeinated pepsi and said, "drink up."

she said that she wanted to shoot herself in the face; he gave her a water gun, put her finger on the trigger, aimed it at her face and helped her pull the trigger.

she said that she wanted to cut herself; he took a polaroid of her, handed it to her along with scissors and had her cut it up.

she said that she wanted to see her blood; he took her to get her ears pierced.

she said that she wanted to cry herself to sleep; he had her watch a sad, romantic movie before bed.

she said that she wanted to be alone; he gave her a nametag that read, "my name is: alone."

she said that she wanted to have someone there to take care of her, always;

he asked her when he wasn't.

i wish things were like this. i wish fairytales were true.

______/

Okay. I'm bored. And having this tendency to keep blogging.

argh.

Today: zlich. finito. nothing. boring.

Tmro: hsm3[?] , council, choir

Wed to fri: EVOII camp. (LOL i almost typed EMOII camp xDDD)

I want to have fun.

i hate going back to school.

back to the top

; its been too long

Sunday, October 26, 20084:41 PM

it was quiet in the room, and it made me think of you.

i turned the playlist on and my favorite song was playing, and it made me think of you.

i turned it off and went to the window to watch the rain, but it made me think of you.

i tried to read my favourite book but the heart-rending storymade me think of you.

the truth is, sometimes i miss you so bad it hurts.

I didn't realise that i've been feeling numb for so long.

and suddenly the hurt comes back all over again and i realise that i need you.

back to the top

; want.

3:14 PM

IM BORED AT HOME.
AND I WANT TO HAVE MORE FUN.

I DUNWAN TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL FOR ANY RUBBISH ACTIVITIES THEY HAVE.

I WANT TO FEEL HAPPY.

lols.

______________end of rant_____o.0

"the only guy who deserves you is the one who thinks he doesn't.
the one who will stick by your side, no matter how much you mess up.
and the one who will forgive you mistake after mistake."

Kindaf true, isnt it?

back to the top

; whoo~

Saturday, October 25, 200812:31 PM

Pictures speak louder than words. WHOO~..

Whoo!

Ghastly.

A HELL of a good time ;D The night started off pretty sour, but ended on quite a cool note, i guess.

Jiang Shi was horribly scary. He was on the bridge of hell and nicole just couldnt be convinced to cross the bridge. Sensing her fear, jiang shi just made her visit more pleasant by focusing on attacking her. nicole SCREAMED like mad. She said she's gonna lodge a complaint and won't be able to sleep for a long time. Okay, I have to admit. I was a little scared too.

"hey mummy!"

This guy SHOCKED us. He was hiding in the bushes. We were walking when he suddenly just jumped out and scared the crap outta us. His job aint easy aye. imagine sitting in the long grasses waiting for people to scare for such a long time.

Horror trail.

The people after a few scares. Nicole said her eyeliner's all over the place.

MUMMY

Mister Long tongue.

Skeleton. they were all over the place.

Okay. this was when we were in a 1hr tram ride. 1st half was all animal sight-seeings. 2nd half was the toture chambers and all the scary stuff. There were several sightings And people POUNDED on us on the way. Well, people were screaming. Trust me at that time it was really horrifying.

Scream.

Okay. this is a scene of a guy pulling out a person's guts. Those who toture and abuse animals are said to become this state. :/

Okay. Junwei got the fright of his life when this guy jumped onto him and practically hugged him. He got his money's worth.

More gory scenes.

Toture chambers.

Pretty doll. She's really scarily sweet.

Sexaye.

OKAY. Nicole and qiuying were horrified at the sight of this guy. He was indeed very very scary. He was blocking our way and the group of us were like screaming. We were kindaf obstructing the traffic. So the guy pitied us and was like "go lah!" and he was laughing.

At the last part, nicole even said he was handsome and told him to let her off.

Chiobu. Reminds us of 'Corspe Bride' aye?

Ugly witch. Our very first encounter.

Oh well. In the end the 7 of us squeezed into my dad's car. We were tired, scared. But overall for me it was a rich 1st experience. I wonder about the rest of the people.

:D

Halloween!

back to the top

; afraid.

Thursday, October 23, 20086:33 PM

oh.

"I'm feeling sad. I'm feeling emo. "

"eh. dont sad."

"I want to cut myself."

"eh dont!"

"I cut already..but..i don't feel the pain..haha"

"use what cut!"

"scissors."

"eh, omg are u okay?"

"yeahh.."

"hey omg. u okay a nt! how can you cut yourself!"

"yeah. i cut myself...

I CUT MY FRINGE!"

LOL. frightened me for a moment.

_________

Last day of school.

Emotional, and yet drastic.

I hope we don't drift apart even though we have to be spilt up.

2/3 08 might be rubbish at times to teachers, to others.

2/3 08 might piss each other off often.

but 2/3 08 is the best, and the most unique class ever.

tell me, which other class in cwss history has THREE Jonathans in it?

tell me, which other class can be so last minute and get first in small competitions?

tell me, which other class got 90% gold for napha?

tell me, which other class has got SO many crappy, cool and WILD people like us?

tell me, which other class is ever so bold to do so many things that others don't dare to do?

tell me, which other class has a history of 19 broken windows and 2 broken doors before?

tell me, which other class climbs through windows?

tell me, which other class is as good in bargaining with teachers as us?

And the list goes on.

it's really sad to be seperated.

but i guess today is not the real goodbye 'cos we'll have gatherings and all in the hols.

hope everyone's in the mood.

after all, we wont get the chance anymore. this is the last time. the last holiday.

But right now, everyone's so panicky and sad 'cos of the results.

):

we're all sad, disappointed, happy, frustrated, scared.

we're all different kinds of emotions right now.

tough life.

back to the top

; Crap

Tuesday, October 21, 20089:17 PM

I feel like i'm like Mrs Smith from the movie Mr & Mrs Smith.

Don't know if y'all get what i mean, but..

Oh well.

Life's unstable and scary right now.

I'm very scared.

back to the top

;neglect

Monday, October 20, 20081:00 PM

You're so perfect, while I'm so torn.

wierd that you even wanna be w me.

I'm bored.
I'm feeling sick.

I wish I can feel loved again.
it's been a long time.
All this while I'm missing a part of me.
I guess that's you.

back to the top

; i-want-to-change-blogskin.

Sunday, October 19, 20084:38 PM

dreams. what ARE they?

Superfictional? Or are they futuristic, but realistic?

I dont know. ):

I want it to be real.

_________;

God. I thought I was over all the cos-of-results-emo snydrome.

But I'm wrong.

Till now, everytime I visit people's blogs and read about what they wrote about their achievements, and what class they want to go to and all that, it reminds me of the thing again and makes me sad ):

Reminds me of the fact that I havent broke the news to my parents,

and I dont know how to.

And that I see little hope and light in my future. ):

Reminds me that I suck.

That people who lost to me in the past now are high up there.

And im way DOWN there.

Makes me sad );

Then, I will go ahead and think of the fun times ahead. The so many wild and crazy things i intend to do.

But the negative side of me will then worry about the number of times I have to go back to school for cca, or for events which i hate. example--remedials. Or something like that. I'm actually scared of them.

Oh, it's raining now. Makes me sad. Makes me think of the day being ruined.

I'm having a sore throat. Makes me sad. 'Cos I can't sing.

ARGH. What's the matter with me?

I.Want.To.Have.Fun. ROAR.

I thought you would understand. How much I love you and need you.

for i've actually been trying to hide my strong want of being with you.

I dont think i can hold on much longer. iny.

back to the top

; i am feeling sick.

Thursday, October 16, 20085:33 PM

I think I am better off dead.

Dosen't matter if i am. Nobody cares.

bye

back to the top

; suckish time.

4:32 PM

I am nothing but a

BIG FUCKING FAILURE.

bye.

back to the top

; suicidal thoughts

Wednesday, October 15, 20083:58 PM

I'm scared.
I'm really scared.

Tmro. Kill me. I'd rather not live it.

back to the top

; runaway

Tuesday, October 14, 20084:43 PM

To just lie and sleep without worries.

to feel extremely happy and on-high.
that's what I would like to feel.

not dull and lousy like now!? perhaps the cold weather's gettin into my head.

Maybe, when everything gotta do with exams are over, i'll feel happier.
Maybe, when I'm worry-free, and dreams do come true, i'll feel happier.
Yeah, I'm waiting for those days.

Went singing tday, with nicole and qiuying. too bad i had a bad throat, and too bad i couldnt join the other girls in sentosa due to restrictions of parents.
ahaha. Sadded.

Lookin forward to some things.
Dreading some things.

I do hope the happiness will drown out all the sorrows.

Today on the way home, I saw a couple riding on a bicycle. What simple happiness that comes so rare.
I also saw a small boy, who was at the court practicin bball. Was alone. so young, under the rain, on the wet floor.
And I get inspired.
Truly, some things in which we take lightly, others train hard just to be good at it and show it to people that they can do it.

i hate the breaking of promises.

back to the top

; little miss crazy--me

Friday, October 10, 20089:44 PM

Breathe.

TGIF?
Anyway, exams are officially over, and i'm having ALOT of crazy thoughts.

I've made lists of wild things that I ~~wanna~~MUST accomplish.
I've thought of wild thoughts.
I've thought of fear. (exams, streamin, die..get the idea..)
I've ate 2 buckets of ice-cream today at home.
I've sung super loud in the house with my sore throat.

Wow. through the exams and all, ive been having acne breakouts.
save me. AHH.

AND sunburn.
God. suddenly i dont wanna be tan anymore.
it makes the skin look yuck.
but i enjoy being in the sun.

I want to go out.
Negotiate with my parents for "internal self-government" for myself for this two 1/2 months? 'cos i wanna taste life before it's over in sec 3.
LOL.

I'm mentally prepared. If I enter the worst class, so be it.
it's fate.
And I can't change it.

But I don't think my parents are mentally prepared.
I dont know how to break it out to them.
I dunno.
I think I'm gonna get hell from them.

Better negotiate for 'internal self-government' first, wait the 'British' only take me as a figurehead and go back on their words, and not give me respect.

AHHH what the hell am I crapping about here.

Anyway, no matter what the results are, i'm just gonna cry for two days, get over it, and have fun in the holidays.
despite knowin that i'll have to catch up on lotsa stuff, and attend super alot of scary CCA sessions, cos..SYF.

Shiver me timbers.

treasure time, 'cos this's the last year,
the last time.
the last moments.
you'll never get it back again.
everything will change.

back to the top

;difficult.

Wednesday, October 08, 20088:01 PM

'cos i still believe, hope, and dream.

boy's sister: who are you on the phone with?

boy: just one of my friends.

boy's sister: don't lie to me.

boy: why would i lie?

boy's sister: is that the girl you never shut up about?

boy: no! it's one of my friends.

boy's sister: you liar. i know it's her. whenever you're on the phone with one of your friends, you make fun of him, he makes fun of you, then you both laugh. when you're on the phone with her, you just sit there trying to be cool with a stupid smile on your face.

Science paper was rubbish. I didnt know how to do half the questions. I'm dead. tmro's LIT. I dont know why so many people are taking it so seriously. lol. oh well, i'd better cut some slack.

I want to have fun. sing along, strum on the guitar. but i guess my dreams are limited.

back to the top

; i dont believe anymore.

Monday, October 06, 20081:30 PM

just dosent seem to matter anymore.

nicole's quote is right.
don't ever seek comfort from someone that never went through what you did.

I gave up seeking comfort.

I want to give up trying.

No matter how hard i tried.
it just dosent work out.
it dosent.
__________*

Had maths paper.
it sucked.
i almost cried after the paper.

felt like tearing myself apart.
even until right this second when im typing,
i just couldnt help but heave about the paper.

i could have done better.

i couldnt afford to fail again.

But i know,
deep down.
that i'll just fail again.

i always do.

back to the top

;uncertainity, inability.

Friday, October 03, 20088:42 AM

Currently in IT.

Freakin bored. Can't do anything much on the computer, 'cos there's nothing much for me to do.

Exams are way close.
The subject that i'm fearing most for is in 2 days time.

I am not ready, at all.
I am not even ready with the mental preparation that i'll fail.

Feel so excluded and i-dont-know recently.
><

Stupid exams.
I hate you.

Lessons are way over the head and way boring right now. everyone's in that solemn and 'sian' mood.

may the exams be over.
and may my luck last.

i've learnt, many things. you've taught me.

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