i'm content. (:

i wanna make him happy.
i wanna let him have the greatest times ever.
i wanna make him smile, make him laugh.

i'll got the xtra mile, do whatever it takes.
(:

Am i just plain envious that he's having a great life and im not?

I should be happy for him, right?

shit you,vivian. you should stop thinking selfish stuff like this.

Jamming is my life now.
I just sing and sing and sing my favourite songs.
Put all my pain and hurt into those songs.
songs pumping in my blood, just concentrate on those notes, delivering them out with strength.

think about nothing else.
dont wanna think about anything else.

sometimes, i sing till i realise the meaning of those lyrics, and hear my own voice waver, as i break down.

life-less.

lost.

i'd build you strong again, whatever it takes. (:

so tell me how do you breathe?
how do you sleep?

---

Councillors, im sorry, i didn't have a choice.
I didn't want it to be like this either.

---

Once again, I would like to break the hands of every clock to make time stop, so that i can breathe. so that you can breathe too, with me.
it hurts to see you working so much and so hard each day, with so many activities.
to see you so frustrated and yell at me : "At least you have time! I dont even have much time left!"
to see you crumble, agitated, unwell.

it really hurts.
and the whole day i rack my brains---how do i stop your misery? do i have the power to?

--
cousteau! ;D miss them already.

blow the candles out.
like how you've lost your hope for me.

AHHHH YES i KNOW i'm supposed to be studying/doing hwk.

but.
I HATE STUDYING.

i just realised this strongly now.
studying is so irritating.
but we dont have a choice.

:x

can't believe there are so many tests. driving us crazy.

school is driving me crazy.

when all you know seems so far away,
and everything seems temporary,
rest your head, I'm permanent.

What I need now is a miracle.

which will never happen.

I shall quote from ranelle: Math is shit. F***.
i never hated a subject so much in my life man.
no cca? trying to use that to threaten us. wtf -.-
alot of us were damn furious mann.

today's a super bad day.
tmro's day is far far worse.
how can i bear to go through it.
can i just hide under my covers and not go to school?

I screwed up my o level oral big time.
gawd.

so much for trying to have a more positive and light attitude towards life.

and, guess what, i kindaf hate myself for not being able to study well. D:
how can i ever catch up?
falling behind like mad.

Advice i gave tday:

Numbing your heart will just make the pain worse.

kindaf true, isnt it?

----

ARGH. HI BOOSTER CLASS. you SUCK and you're gonna SO ruin my life and deprive me from singing. urgh.

---

going insane.

Advice num 2, this time, to myself:
Never expect too much from life.

I found myself asking myself:
Dude, what are you doing with your life!?
what happened to that drive in the past?

man i gotta start waking up from the past,
and stop walking, treading back and forth, in the past.
it's high time i thought of what lies ahead.

but, i dont know why, i don't have the determination to even think of it. i keep falling back into my almost-perfect past.

Afterall,
Comparisons are easily made, when you've tasted perfection.

fifteen, is such a complicated age.

locked up in a cage,
resembling a prison cell.
screaming, shouting, heart beating out of your self.
helpless.
so much to say.
hate.
so much.
able to kill.
lost,
don't know what to do.
tired.
too much tears.

life,
hard.
life,
lost.
life,
-less.
no life to call my own.
life,
sold.
to an institution called school.
rest,
forbidden.
heart, hurts.
motivation, gone.
somewhere, somehow.
don't know where to head off to.

left,
are memories.
to enjoy.
to think about.
to smile about.
to know about who's always been there for me.
those who love me for me, who care.
who's able to accept my best, and my worst, and be okay/proud of it.

house, just bare shelter.
but never a home.
parents,
are just nicer names given to 2 people i hate in the house.

whatever i get,
nothing to them,
nothing i want to thank them for.

credit goes to those who've been here for me.
***
you told me to brace myself,
you told me jokes to crack me up, ways to deal with my brokening family situations.
you told me to focus, and get on with life, get on with whatever im doing.
thank you.

though i doubt my ability to do so.

but still,
i ♥ you for being here.